I decided to ride Huszar today, one month after my accident. I had help putting on the saddle as I still cannot move my right hand. I cannot express the joy I felt being up in the saddle on my horse again. I neck reined Huszar with my left hand and he was as happy as I was to be out, riding free in the hills and arroyos under a blue sky!
I need to get Zum out of the corral everyday and take him on walks. My right wrist still doesn’t move so I need someone to help me with walking Zum. My ferrier took Zum’s shoes off but Zum wouldn’t let him trim his feet. I have to keep massaging my right wrist so I can move my knuckles. I need to trim Zum’s feet myself.
Bad habits like bucking are learned by repetition of stress-producing situations. Bad habits can be unlearned by repetition of good subhabits. I am constantly reinforcing Zum’s good habits now. I am displacing his fear with the reward of security.
I am so happy to be able to hike with my dog Karuna again. I rescued her a few years ago and her name was Katie. She used to run away every opportunity she got. Now she stays by my side. Karuna means ‘loving kindness.’ She is living up to the name I gave her. I am so grateful for her love.
Stress is the most usual cause of escape behavior. An escape that succeeds is likely to be repeated. Before Zum’s bucking and running away habit can be broken, its component parts must be unlearned. I have my work cut out for me. I have to retrain Zum completely. His fear of doing a task is equal to his fear of not doing it. I have to relieve his stress every step of each activity that I do with him. Then I need to substitute reward and build security.
I know that the one thing a horse wants more than anything else is to be free of fear. His basic motivation is to be in a state of emotional security. It is when a horse feels insecure that he develops bad habits. He remembers well anything that hurt or scared him badly even if it only happened once a long time ago. When a similar situation presents itself. he will react to his remembered fear and do something violent. Zum has trauma relating to certain stimuli. For now, as I recover from the accident, I can exclude negative distractions and build Zum’s confidence in me.
People are telling me that I need to sell Zum. He has bucked me off twice now. Both times were very serious accidents for me. I will agree that Zum is spooky. He is afraid of horses, cows, mules and motorcycles. Zum is young and inexperienced. He can be worked with on the ground to get over his fears. Zum is not a perfect horse but for me, he still feels right.
I am getting better. Right after the accident, I did this three step shuffle…step with the right foot, step-step with the left foot. My cousin called my walk the broken rib waltz. I was hunched over with the pain in my ribs and lung. Three weeks later, I can walk slowly and lift my chest. My doctor wants me to breathe deeply to heal my collapsed lung. I can practice my deep yogic breathing while I take my donkey to graze on a small hill.
Zum is bored now that I cannot train him or ride him. With his eyes, he asks me why I am not giving him all the attention I used to give him? I show him my broken wrist and my broken ribs and I explain to him that he did this to me when he bucked me off on May 30, 2020. He is sad and sorry. I can feel his desire to make amends with me. He misses me.
I find an orthopedic surgeon at a major hospital in Santa Fe. He looks at my shattered right wrist and tells me I need emergency surgery. As I prepare for surgery, I tell the anesthesiologists that I had a traumatic experience with the drug I was given in the Phoenix ER. They tell me that this is common in the ER. They promised me that the general anesthesia they administer is euphoric. And they were right. I remember nothing of the surgery and I awoke feeling like I wanted to bless all of humanity. To all the people who have hurt me deeply, I send you peace.
